I was just thinking..

There have been several distinct stages in my life, and within those stages maybe different realms.

The first stage was my childhood through teenage years. The second was when I was learning to be my own person when I left home to study overseas. The third was when I inadvertently got married while I was still growing up. A fourth was when I realised I had grown up and was married. A fifth perhaps when I was gaining experience working, and hoping to start a family. A sixth started when I was pregnant and then gave birth to Zoe and taking care of her full time for many years. And now, when she's herself growing up and when I am taking back some of my freedom that I had lost taking care of her full time.

I'm still not exactly sure if the stages are well defined, but they seem like they are quite distinct for me.

Taking back some of my freedom may sound really exaggerated. Actually I merely mean that sometimes, I am able to step out of being mum to Zoe to being just myself.

Acting as mum to Zoe can be really tiring sometimes. It's trying to find the right balance of being caring and militant. It's trying to manage expectations and hopes. It's trying to do the right thing all the time just because you want to be a good example.

I have to let my hair down every now and then. I'm sure there are mums who don't. I'm sure there are mums who are always mums and they lose their own identity unless it is associated with their children. I actively don't want to be that sort of mum. I realise and love the fact that I will always be Zoe's mum and will love her eternally and unfailingly unconditionally. Yet, I also have a strong need to be recognised as an individual independent of connections to others, be it spouse, family, child or friend. And perhaps it is because of that need that I am the way I am. You can call it selfish or even arrogant. You can hate it or like it. I call it being the only way I know how to be. And that is to be me.