Random Ramblings

Life is too short to hold grudges. 
If I held them I would be completely miserable because life has dealt me one too many blows in the years past. I can't say I don't get miserable and complain a bit when I'm given bad news about people, about lost love and friendships and worse of all about my own health.  I'm not immune to that. My attitude is good but not that good that I can immediately brush it off and move on.  However, I have learned that whining is definitely NOT me. Moaning and whining just don't become me.  I loathe the beginnings of a whine in Zoe.  If it is allowed to blossom into actual words, it would drive me absolutely crazy.

Every time I go see the doctor I go with an open mind.  And if I read on her face that bad news is coming, I breathe deeply. I've had a 13-year relationship with my primary care physician and she knows to give it to me straight. Don't sugar coat it, don't try to make me feel better. What do you think it is?  If it is what you think it is, what do we do going forward?  Simple.  Don't overcomplicate.  Have a problem? Take it on. Don't deny it. Deal with it.  That's the best way forward.

Patience
I was on bed rest for 7.5 months when I was pregnant with Zoe. The threat of pre-term labor was there from the get-go. By far, I wasn't the worst case high-risk pregnancy, but with all that I had going on, it was enough to make you sick every day without mental fortitude. That was an incredibly intense emotional rollercoaster for me.  Every time we would be at the obstetrician's, we were not sure if Zoe would live or not. And with a hyper vigilant doctor at the helm, if her heart rate so much as dipped once, I was admitted to the hospital just like that.

I had a basement that was being refurbished and we had issues with the contractor that I couldn't do anything about. I was entirely reliant on my overburdened husband to provide me with food and water and take me to the doctor 3 times a week.  People have 2 ultrasounds per pregnancy, we had 3 multiple-photo ultrasounds every week.  I have a whole album of Zoe before she was even born!  My job was to make sure I rest, move little and stay calm.  Harder to do than you think for an A type personality.

Finally, a month-long stay at the hospital really tried to do me in! But guess what, I'm still here, I survived, Zoe survived, we are still living and shit...! Patience.  Also one of my all time favorite songs by Guns N Roses.

Hungry for Adventure
Staying home with Zoe for going on 9 years has been bliss.  Even though there have been obvious ups and downs, I've loved every second of it.

Many stay-at-home mothers lose themselves at one time or another. Saying that you haven't felt that would just be lying.  You lose yourself in the things that you do for the family as a whole, your children.  It doesn't matter that I only have one, it's the same.  I try to manage my expectations because I do only have one child. I don't want her to be burdened by the weight of her parents' desires and expectations. I don't desire to live vicariously through her. Obviously I would like her to do things that I am interested in but I realise she is her own person.  When she has a fire to accomplish something, I will be fanning that flame. A mother gets so involved in the well being of her offspring that she sometimes forgets and neglects herself.

I am self-aware of these feelings but I also feel like I have sacrificed a lot of myself for her. I can't wait to embark on my own personal adventure, free of my family.  It is not some kind of mid-life crisis, yet a dream that was not fulfilled earlier on in my life that I wish to see through at some point.

Not exactly a typical mother
I look around at parents at Zoe's school and I don't feel like I fit in.  I identify on a personal level with very few of them. Maybe it's because I'm not from around there. Maybe they are just cliquey. I'm not one to make small talk about stuff that means nothing to me. I want to talk about meaningful issues, important things. I don't want to talk about what crazy toys or games that are hot, or how my kid is getting along with her teacher, or least of all fake an interest in other people's children.  Maybe that's why I don't fit in. The exchange usually sucks for us too because we have only one child and other people usually at least two.

I don't care about the toys and stuff because we jive to a different tune. We have toys too but maybe not the expensive ones.  We do play games but we are now concentrating on one - chess.  If my kid doesn't get along with her teacher, tough.  Suck it up and adapt. She's not getting any sympathy from me. If you don't learn to adapt to different personalities early in life, you're just going to be coddled and spoiled. Not my Zoe.   She needs skills to survive, not someone to spoil her in this fashion. She might be my only child, but I refuse to parent her like she is the bees knees. I am glad that even at 8 despite her occasional misadventures and tantrums, she is a good and caring friend to others.

Also, I don't have a problem with some of the words that Zoe's schools bans like: stupid, pee, ass, and butt among others. Of course it depends on the context in which they are used. But generally speaking stupid is acceptable in our house: Don't be stupid, Don't do stupid things, Don't act stupidly and Don't make stupid mistakes!  These are common in our household.  I have a thing against stupid. Don't be it and you're fine.

And while I care about some of other people's kids, I don't care about all of them. I'm just being honest. I take full interest in the kids that I have mentored and taught during the course of the last couple of years. Some have become almost like my kids. I have a vested interest in their performance at school or at chess tournaments. They are my charges, and I love having them around.  I love the energy that young people have. It's so uplifting and pure.

I may not have made my case that I am an atypical mother but I truly believe I am.  Maybe time will tell.