The dream

I had a special dream when I was 3 months' pregnant with my daughter. My then recently deceased maternal grandmother came to me.

It was April 2004, it was spring. I had been lying in bed constantly for at least 5 weeks by then, immobilized voluntarily to keep my baby safe. My mother called me and asked me if I was lying down. Of course she knew the odds were good that I was. Still, the news of her death hit hard. I knew I wasn't going to attend her funeral and that was rough.

She was the only grandmother I knew. My father's mother had passed on before I was born. 外婆 (Maternal grandmother) had a big hand in looking after me when I was a child. She was my go-to person. My protector, my secret conspirator, my provider of forbidden foods!

外公 (Maternal grandfather) used to tell me about her charmed life. 外婆 was adopted. She was a single child in that adopted family. She went to school but quit at the age of 9. Her mother, my great grandmother, was your stereotypical Chinese woman from the early 1900s. I think her feet were even bound, but I can't be sure whether it's just the imagery in my head telling me that, or if it is indeed reality. This I know though: great grandmother was an opium addict! Don't ask me how she got it or when she did it. I never saw it. I just knew it was a fact.

I don't know 外婆's life from the age of 9-16. At age 15 or so, she met my grandfather. He'd come from southern China, seeking a better life. The two fell in love and they married. 9 children followed. My mother was the first child. Well, 外公 loved 外婆 with all his heart. They started a business together and she was to be the principal manager of the business. She bore him 9 children, yet she hardly knew how to cook. It is an unlikely story considering women in her era were mostly housewives. My mother being the oldest, amassed a set of life skills that I still hope to hone one day. She can cook, cut hair (and still manage to make you look decent), sew, I'm still in awe of her, wow! But I'm digressing.

Back to 外婆. To cut a long story short, she was pampered. Even in her later years, ridden with illness and complications thereof, she was well cared for by family.

As we approach the day of her death, April 16th, and prepare for 清明 or cheng beng, (this is like All Souls Day, we visit the grave and clean up its surroundings and pay our respects to the departed), the dream I had 5 years ago keeps coming to mind.

At the time, I was put on bedrest by my obstetrician. It was a trying time for us. We were renovating our basement (a no-no if you're a very superstitious Chinese - banging and loud noises are not good for the baby in mum's womb!), and I was relegated to staying upstairs unless I was going for a doctor's visit. I lived in fear of those contractors stealing my stuff or harming me every day they were down there and I was alone upstairs!! Never mind that they are insured and bonded, you never know? Right? That is my Malaysian mentality speaking to me.

My 外婆 had come to visit me in my home in the US. It was a pleasant thing for all of us. She was healthy, vibrant and all smiles. She smiled her usual smile, the one that I had known so well. It made her cheeks puff up and her eyes tiny slits, her false teeth featuring prominently.

"So you're pregnant. Finally." she cooed.

"Yeah..finally" I managed, delaying the flow of warm tears.

"Don't worry, you and the baby are going to be just fine." She touched my hand and squeezed it. I knew this wasn't real. She had come back to tell me this.

"What are you going to do here while I'm in bed? I can't show you around this place." Even in my dream I thought this question was ridiculous. What I actually wanted to know was how she was.

"Just don't worry. I'm doing ok. I'm happy." She smiled that smile again, and walked out of the room.

And that, would be my everlasting memory of her. Reality or not.